Toe Jumps and Camel Spins: The Susan and Todd Story

Susan and Todd skating

 

Susan and Todd believe in love at first sight.

“That might sound strange considering how long it took Todd to notice me,” Susan said. “Sure, we were skating partners throughout college, but I wanted to take our relationship to the next level.”

So Susan surprised Todd during the couple’s most important skating competition: the Oktoberfest Leap for the Peaks Skating Extravaganza in Salt Lake City, Utah.

“After sampling several steins of the local ale, I decided to make a bold move,” Susan said. “I modified my costume just before we skated out to begin our program.” Susan gently places her hand on Todd’s thigh. Todd lovingly touches her hand with his fingertips and nudges it away.

“Yes, the little vixen had removed her panties and was completely nude under her dress,” Todd said. “I lifted her above my head, looked up, and found myself peering into Squaw Valley. I must say, I’d never seen anything like it, but I was intrigued by the view.”

Although Todd was visibly shaken during the program and Susan inebriated, the couple won the competition with perfect scores despite numerous falls that left Susan splay-legged on the ice and the judges howling with approval. The other competitors filed a protest, citing the judges’ overt display of drunkenness, masturbation, and high-fives. The judges refused to consider the objection.

Inspired by the sight of Susan’s fun hatch, Todd created many of the couple’s most memorable panty-less skating routines, including “Clit for Tat,” “Poon River,” and “Labia Lullaby.” Though critically acclaimed by skating professionals, the routines were not so readily accepted by family audiences.

Susan shows her skating talent

 

“I think we were ahead of our time,” Susan said. “But I was proud to suffer for my art, my sport, my artistic sport.” Susan hesitates, composes herself, lifts her head and continues, “Some nights it was so cold, I skated with two pairs of chapped lips.”

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Visiting the Easter Bat

Easter Bat

It has become a yearly tradition (at least this year) to round up the neighborhood kids and take them to visit the Easter Bat.

At sunset, we hiked deep into the woods and gathered outside the dark cave to wait for the flying mammal’s arrival. In the darkness, the children mused about what the Easter Bat might bring. Some children suggested eggs and candy, but I reminded them only a fucking rabbit would do that. Now think! What kind of gifts do you think a bat will bring? The sniffling, crying group could think of nothing else. Well, I guess that’s what they’ll get.

After waiting around for a half hour or so in the night chill, some the kids wanted to go home, especially the ones who had not told their parents where they were going. I suggested that a few of the kids should go into the cave and see if they could roust the bat out. A few brave amateur spelunkers did just that—three dashing in, two running out in terror surrounded by a cloud of Easter Bats spilling out of the cave and followed by the lumbering form and loud roar of the Easter Bear (with part of the missing tyke on his paw).

The group scattered, filling the woods with the Easter sounds of terrifying shrieks. I decided to rush home and watch The Family Guy. I can’t wait until the coming of the Leaping Lesbian Lizards of Labor Day (Number 4)

Recovering From Debt Rape

Woman jumping

Though ignored by financial experts, the number one cause of debt is a lack of money. Sure, we’ll look at the causes for the lack of smackers, but, really, if you had a Swiss bank account stuffed with dinero, you wouldn’t care how much your spouse’s sex-change operation costs or if your boss approved of your lunch-hour massages you received on his desk with a happy ending.

Let’s take a look at some of the reasons for your lack of scratch situation.

  • Medical bills (i.e. sex-change operations, bear trap removal, amputations)
  • Bad investments (i.e. 401Ks, Thrift Savings Plans, 529 Education Savings Plans)
  • Lost job
  • Food
  • Gambling

From the list, we can clearly see the big problem is food. Some scamming nutritionists will argue that you must have food to survive. While theoretically true, you don’t need as much food as you think. Food has become a crutch for some, something they must have every day (like massages). Concentrate on eliminating food from your diet, cutting back to every other day, until, ideally, you are eating only when you are hungry (which should be about five or six times a month). As an incentive, you can spend some of the extra bread you save on something useful and rewarding, like phrenology lessons or placing the winning bid on eBay for that awesome laminated scab collection you’ve had your eye on.

The rest of the items on the list, along with premature ejaculation, speaking in tongues, and warthog attacks, are what experts categorize as “out of your control,” so we won’t spend time worrying about them. We will, however, investigate ways of eliminating debt and developing a savings plan.

Let’s look at some ways we can climb out of debt and start saving for the future no matter how pathetic and useless it seems.

  • Reward yourself (i.e. with a fashionable cardigan or a spiffy pair of burnt orange corduroys)
  • Eat less
  • Get a job
  • Invest wisely
  • Stay Healthy

The first thing you must do is reward yourself. Climbing out of the debt canyon is going to take effort, more effort than you’ve ever had to exert in your whole miserable life, except, maybe, when you reached Level 31 during a game of Dig Dug in the mid-80s. Go ahead and reward yourself for even thinking you can be debt-free, because, goddamnit, if there is one thing this country needs right now, it’s more wild-eyed, quixotic dreamers.

Orange cardigan sweater

Orange corduroy pants

 

 

 

 

 

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Chasing Moby

whitewhale28

 

EXT. ON THE DECK OF THE SHIP, PEQUOD – DAY

CAPTAIN AHAB is standing on the ship’s deck, looking intently across the ocean. STARBUCK is standing next to him.

STARBUCK:Sir, the men and I are worried about you.
AHAB: What on earth for, Starbuck?
STARBUCK: Well, sir, you seem a bit obsessed with the whale.
AHAB: This is a whaling ship after all, Starbuck. Of course I am obsessed with whales. The exotic, stalwart creatures are my livelihood.
STARBUCK: Sir, I’m talking about only one whale–Moby Dick.
AHAB: Oh. And what is your concern, Starbuck?
STARBUCK: Sir, you have pursued Moby Dick for weeks, nigh I say months, now past our scheduled return. We should have dropped anchor in port long ago. The men are restless and some even miss their families. This maniacal obsession of yours may drive the men to mutiny.
(There is a pause as Ahab continues to intently stare straight ahead over the prow to the horizon while Starbuck stares at Ahab)
STARBUCK (CONT’D): When will this obsession end, sir? After you personally harpoon Moby Dick and transport his freakish, white carcass back to harbor for all to see?
AHAB: I do want to personally harpoon him, but not kill him, if you know what I mean.
(Ahab smiles mischievously at Starbuck and nudges him with his elbow. Starbuck stares at him, somewhat confused)
STARBUCK: What, just torture the poor animal, leaving him disfigured like he left you?
AHAB: Starbuck, you fool, I was speaking euphemistically! I’m not talking about harpooning him with, you know, a real harpoon, I’m talking about, huh…
(makes back and forth motion with his hips)
STARBUCK: You want to fuck him up!
AHAB: Dammit, Starbuck, can you not take a hint? Moby and I are in love!
STARBUCK: (shocked) What? So the rumors are true?
AHAB: Yes, the affair has been going on for years.
STARBUCK: But sir, he bit off your leg!
AHAB: Ah, just a bit of a jealous lover’s tiff. You see, he found out about the herpes virus I contracted from a cute little beluga whale off the coast of Alaska and, well, that’s all history now.
STARBUCK: A beluga whale, sir? Alaska?
AHAB: A mere youthful indiscretion, but one I paid for with my leg. And the frigid Arctic waters almost claimed my beach balls. My scrotum was frozen solid for a month.
STARBUCK: But you are married, sir. Does your wife know?
AHAB: I’m sure she has her suspicions. God knows there have been plenty a night I have come home covered in barnacles and sperm.
STARBUCK: Let me get this straight: you are married to a female human and are having an affair with a male sperm whale?
(Starbuck has a disgusted look on his face)
AHAB: Oh, so that’s your problem. The affair with the whale repels because Moby happens to be male.
STARBUCK: No, it’s pretty much the whale part that I find disgusting.
AHAB: So those libertines Ishmael and Queequeg can carry on a decadent, transitory relationship, swabbing each others decks all over the ship, while I engage in a loving, long-lasting affair that includes a little male blowhole action with my soulmate Moby and all of a sudden I’m the Pervert of the Pequod?
STARBUCK: With all due respect, sir, that is one of your more popular monikers among the men. That and Captain Whale Fucker.
AHAB: (angrily) I knew I shouldn’t have confided in you! You’re just like the rest of the puerile cretins aboard this vessel. You and the others will never experience the deep emotional bond that develops between man and whale, a bond created from an affectionate, sexual relationship.
STARBUCK: I should pray that to be so, sir.
AHAB: Go, you homophobe of gay cetaceans! Go tend to the other emotionally retarded nitwits!
(Starbuck exits shaking his head)

After a few seconds, we hear the call, “Thar she blows!” Ahab raises his hand to his brow and peers intently. He spots Moby Dick and begins waving.

AHAB: Moby, my love! I have come to you once again, you magnificent, white, sperm-filled beast!

Ahab adjusts his hair and clothes like someone primping before a date. He retrieves breath spray from his pocket and sprays it in his mouth. He begins to move off stage while ISHMAEL and QUEEQUEG enter. They walk by laughing, arms around each others shoulders. Queequeq carries a bag. They stop momentarily.

QUEEQUEG: How about a little head?

Queequeq reaches into the bag and pulls out a shrunken head. Ishmael and Queequeq leave the stage laughing with their arms around each other.

END

Chasing Moby first published at FLYMF.com.

Walking with Dinosaurs in Alabama

Walking with Dinosaurs in Alabama

The family and I went to Birmingham, Alabama, in 2009 to watch “Walking with Dinosaurs.” We heard two kids were killed at a previous show, so we anticipated an exciting night. Everybody wore old clothes because I expected dinosaur smell would get on everything.

The show was ok, but I kind of expected more. There were a few surprises however:

-I didn’t expect the Brachiosaurus to take a huge crap in the middle of the arena. I don’t think the emcee expected it either, he seemed kind of embarrassed, especially when he almost slipped in it. They had to go to a 40-minute intermission to clean it up. The smell was horrendous.

-All the dinosaur sex (and it was supposed to be a family show!)

-No one was killed, but they did let a live chicken loose on the arena floor where it proceeded to squawk and run around. It was kind of funny until one of the dinosaurs stepped on it, then it was hilarious. The emcee grabbed the still twitching chicken carcass, held it above his head, and let the blood drip into his mouth. That part was a little creepy.

-The special Dancing With Dinosaurs segment featuring Cloris Leachman, who actually raised some of the creatures as pets.

-Also, it was a bit surprising when Jesus came riding out on the Torosaurus.

All in all, a fun night, with memories for a lifetime.