Recovering From Debt Rape

Woman jumping

Though ignored by financial experts, the number one cause of debt is a lack of money. Sure, we’ll look at the causes for the lack of smackers, but, really, if you had a Swiss bank account stuffed with dinero, you wouldn’t care how much your spouse’s sex-change operation costs or if your boss approved of your lunch-hour massages you received on his desk with a happy ending.

Let’s take a look at some of the reasons for your lack of scratch situation.

  • Medical bills (i.e. sex-change operations, bear trap removal, amputations)
  • Bad investments (i.e. 401Ks, Thrift Savings Plans, 529 Education Savings Plans)
  • Lost job
  • Food
  • Gambling

From the list, we can clearly see the big problem is food. Some scamming nutritionists will argue that you must have food to survive. While theoretically true, you don’t need as much food as you think. Food has become a crutch for some, something they must have every day (like massages). Concentrate on eliminating food from your diet, cutting back to every other day, until, ideally, you are eating only when you are hungry (which should be about five or six times a month). As an incentive, you can spend some of the extra bread you save on something useful and rewarding, like phrenology lessons or placing the winning bid on eBay for that awesome laminated scab collection you’ve had your eye on.

The rest of the items on the list, along with premature ejaculation, speaking in tongues, and warthog attacks, are what experts categorize as “out of your control,” so we won’t spend time worrying about them. We will, however, investigate ways of eliminating debt and developing a savings plan.

Let’s look at some ways we can climb out of debt and start saving for the future no matter how pathetic and useless it seems.

  • Reward yourself (i.e. with a fashionable cardigan or a spiffy pair of burnt orange corduroys)
  • Eat less
  • Get a job
  • Invest wisely
  • Stay Healthy

The first thing you must do is reward yourself. Climbing out of the debt canyon is going to take effort, more effort than you’ve ever had to exert in your whole miserable life, except, maybe, when you reached Level 31 during a game of Dig Dug in the mid-80s. Go ahead and reward yourself for even thinking you can be debt-free, because, goddamnit, if there is one thing this country needs right now, it’s more wild-eyed, quixotic dreamers.

Orange cardigan sweater

Orange corduroy pants






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