A Year-End Roundup of the Top Notable and Neglected Fictitious Books Every Reader Overlooked (2017)


Here is my list of the year’s most interesting books that failed to receive the attention they deserved simply because they were fictitious.

Plasma Hangar by Natrix Sprung. Elite team of orphan clones battle interplanetary vixens for control of the foam star. (Science Fiction)

The Vegan and the Beefcake by Ginger Marigold. Opposites attract in this light-hearted romance about a goth gamer and a gym rat addicted to steroids. (Romance)

The Homeless Hyena by Otter Ricotta. A wilderness tale about a spotted hyena wandering sub-Saharan Africa all homeless and shit. (Nature)

Floppy Honeypot by Sink Bottomless. A down-on-her-luck exotic dancer pulls herself up by the g-string and becomes the gentlemen’s club daytime headliner. (Inspirational)

Dismembers of the Jury by Dag Knapple. A possessed handsaw terrorizes jurors sequestered in a haunted hotel. (Horror, Legal Fiction)

Fragile Flags by Vex Baffle. A stevedore learns to communicate with his depressed clownfish using semaphore. (Literary fiction)

Bazooka! by Faye Parquet. A melancholy harlot adopts a reincarnated chicken suffering from percussive headaches. (Magic Realism)

The Alchoholic Fortuneteller by Johnny Joints. Slurred predictions lead to tragedy. (Lush Lit)

The Unmotivated Murderer by Neal Hilistic. Apathetic serial killer finds inspiration at a Tony Robbins seminar. (Thriller)

Action Mouth! by Cam Enzyme. When it’s open, WATCH OUT! (Action, Thriller)

Shrunken Head by Angie Reflex. A hooligan finds a shrunken head that talks, predicts the future, and functions as a Bluetooth speaker. (Bizarro)

My Way IS the Highway by Redondo Haymaker. An obstinate asshole berates and lectures, then hits the road. (Fictional Self-help)

Old Gloomy Guts by Leith Hummus. Intestinal problems causes senior citizen to be grumpy but people think it’s because he’s old. (Geriatric fiction)

The Infected Tattoo by Gladys Lattice. Everybody tells Conroy to have that thing looked at, but does he listen? (Mystery)

Cult of Traitors by Chyron Firecrest. Disgruntled members of a cult collude with another cult to hitch rides on a different meteor. (Action, Thriller)

Babbling Brooke by Hank Mails. Office gossip, Brooke, WILL NOT SHUT UP! (Murder Mystery[?])

Needle-Nose Pliers by Eden Creatinine. Hidden family secrets are revealed when grandma cleans out her shed. (Literary Fiction, Gothic)

Canyon of Whoops by Bing “King” Kongle. An assistant football coach gets lost in a canyon while Squatching. (nature thriller, Survival)

Dairy Farm Demon by Ledge Fleet. Retired demon with a dark, hidden past raises goats on an abandoned dairy farm. (Literary Farm Fiction)

Finger Your Bliss by Litzy Mulligan. Self-help book helping you focus on what brings you true happiness. (Self-help)

Bluster and Grease by Ronan Broom. Arrogant auto mechanic runs for mayor, promising to give city hall a “tune-up.” (Political Garage Fiction)

Psycho Animatronic Cadaver by Helix “Double Helix” Helix. The coroner’s after hours morgue experiments get a little out of hand. (Horror, Thriller, WTF)

Peking Duck and Cover by Herb Purse. Travel guide about China written by a paranoid tourist. (Travel, Watch Out Now)

Serious Putty by Dale “Foxy” Proxy. Who’s using Silly Putty to lift top secret cartoons? (Mystery Thriller)

The Frog Went Beserk! by Serge Starch. Cautionary tale about an amphibian addicted to amphetamines (Frog Fiction)

The Erotic Guillotine by Itzel Duvet. Forbidden love blooms between two executioners during the French Revolution. (Erotic Historical Fiction)

Turn to Stone by Rowan Martin. A former pet rock becomes radicalized, moves to the Middle East, and participates in stonings. (Rock Fiction)

Duel of Glaciers by Marco Oregano. Like Game of Thrones, but with nature…and glaciers. Nineteen-volume series. (Historical, Nature)

The Weak Bellybutton Who Could Not Hold Lint by Leticia Sneeze. Inspiring children’s yarn. (Kid lit)

Hair on Fire by Patton Porter. After surviving a hotplate mishap, a disfigured wig finds love with an older toupee. (Rug Romance)

Wicked Whiskers by Dameon Church. The town fiend, Handlebar Henry, resurrects an army of evil goatees with a magic mustache comb he finds at a flea market. (Horror)

The Good Butter by Tax “Tex” Riddle. Pa gives JoJo “down the road” after JoJo spreads too much of the “good” butter on his biscuit. (Farm Fiction)

The Secretive Giraffes by Robin Wren. The sloths want to know what those long-necked freaks are whispering about up there. (Nature Mystery)

Hawking Hawking by Ignacio Fang. A failed physicist sells copies of A Brief HIstory of Time in parking lots from the trunk of his Ford Escort. (Sad Science Fiction)

Scuttlebutt! by “Chit-Chat”. Delightful tale about a cast of crabs who teach a gossip mongering lobster a dark, deadly lesson. (Childrens Lit)

Narwhal-Mart by Sumac Kerouac. A pod of narwhals run a superstore in the Canadian Artic. (Contemporary Fiction, Business, Marine Biology)

Marching Money: How the University of Alabama’s Million Dollar Band Got Its Nickname Selling Moonshine by Howell Watts. (Non-fiction, Economics)

Squirrelly Robot by Ernestine Twig. A squirrel robot befriends a disabled chipmunk during nut-gathering season. (Science Fiction, Nature, Allegory)

Door Prize Fighter by Vera Dare. Maxine’s MMA career begins when she punches Sheila in the face at a heated Pampered Chef event. (Lady Sports)

Toddler with a Drill by Alonzo Hose. The Mackinaw family wonders who’s making holes in the wall behind the sofa. (Mystery, Paranormal)

Grasping for Straws in the Fields of Lust by Anonymous. Erotic adventures of a libertine scarecrow. (Erotic Hay Fiction)

Racked Brains by Werner Venue. A group of scientists kidnap another group of scientists and force them to prove negatives. (Science Thriller)

Spurts of Chivalry by Brian Ni. Renaissance faire knight enters witness protection and moves to “the cloud.” (Nouveau Bizarro)

Mudhole Clutterbuck and the Pit Bulls of Poppy Land Cove by Dennis Woodland. Mudhole and his dogs solve mysteries like Where’s my pants? (Children’s Lit)

My Pimp is a Werewolf! by Mack “Mac” Trident. Is werewolf pimp gonna have to maul a bitch? (Supernatural Horror)

Grandmas Are People Too Sometimes by Nikhil Mist. Guide for families with shapeshifting grannies. (Paranormal Geriatric Care)

Wanton Spleen by Chloe Savant. Trey’s internal organ threatens to leave him for a medical school cadaver. (Anatomical Fiction)

Elastic Subpoena by Judge Gavin “The Gavel” Burrows. Long arm of the law bitch slaps Erskine with its law hand for that unlawful thing he did. (Law Noir)

Jagger’s Jeans by Jay Bait. How did Mick’s pants end up there? (Mystery)

The Omniscient Yam by Whip “Van” Taylor. A yam knows everything but can’t tell anybody because it’s a yam. (Tuber Fiction)

Yearning in the Trenches by Treat Stryker. A young soldier at war yearns to be homesick but he likes where he is. (War Fiction)

The Sad Soap by Sally Bath. A bar of soap laments it cannot lather. (Children, Soap Fiction)

The Kettle’s Lethal Squeal. First in the series of the Tea Time Murder Mysteries by Dame Thistleshire. (Mystery, Tea Fiction)

The Centaur and the Orangutan by Keegan Ketone. The title characters stop being pessimistic after befriending a cheerful ballerina dying of consumption but become pessimistic again after she dies. (YA Fantasy)

The Stowaway: A Gladys Knight and the Pips Mystery by Bea “Bee” Bleaberry. A cruise ship faces calamity after an evil octopus stows away on the buffet. (Mystery)

Vexatious Vibrations by Adele Dazeem. Sleep-deprived Simon cannot get any rest at night because of the erratic buzzing of the ghost of his ex-wife’s vibrator. (Literary Horror)

Give Me One Good Reason Bandicoots Are Not Allowed in the Dog Show


The office where I work had a dog show today in a local park. Once again, my pet bandicoots, all forty-three of them, were not allowed to participate. I want to know why. I know they are not dogs. Maybe, instead of just limiting participants to dogs, the competition could be open to other animals. Bandicoots, for example. But not cats. Cats are the natural enemy of bandicoots.

I want you to know, the bandicoots were looking forward to performing. The little creatures worked all year perfecting a dance routine, a routine you would immediately recognize as “Thriller,” made popular by Mr. Michael Jackson, a man not averse to singing love songs to rodents, which my bandicoots proudly acknowledge they are. The bandicoots rehearsed and practiced long, hard hours, all for a few minutes of applause, leading hopefully to an encore performance of “Bad Romance” by Lady Gaga, and a gift card to Outback Steakhouse where a bloomin’ onion awaited them. Reservations were made, but the decency to afford these talented darlings a chance to perform, a chance that all those stupid mutts took for granted, is beyond my understanding.

Continue reading “Give Me One Good Reason Bandicoots Are Not Allowed in the Dog Show”

A Year-End Roundup of the Top Notable and Neglected Fictitious Books Every Reader Overlooked

Pushing a wheelbarrow full of books

Every year, thousands of books are published. Most go unread because they’re crap, while others are unread because, hey let’s face it, the majority of the people in this country are not exactly voracious readers. Still, there are other books that go unread because unfortunately they are considered fictitious. I’ve rounded up a few of the best rare and non-existent fictitious books of the past year. If a book on the list piques your interest and you decide you want to track it down and read it, good luck with that.

Badger Village by Scott Bacon. A man moves to a new town and is constantly asked what his deal is. (Travel Fiction)

Rusty Blisters: Private Eye with a Scythe by Coleman Wang. A story about a private investigator who solves cases and carries a scythe. (Crime, Noir)

Quails Bathing in Fountains by Daniela Cartwright. A button found in a flowerpot brings back memories of a beloved pet chimp. (Literary Fiction)

Continue reading “A Year-End Roundup of the Top Notable and Neglected Fictitious Books Every Reader Overlooked”

Party Animal

Man with a springy top hat

Despite my introverted and shy nature, people may be surprised to know that I’m not much of a party animal. I don’t have the natural instinct for merrymaking, an instinct loudly evident in most members of the general population. However, my friends (both of them) assured me that partying could be learned, and unselfishly offered to teach me (for a fee). I don’t know if I learned anything from what they called their “raise the roof” lessons because I usually woke up in my underwear, lying stiff and sore on my concrete bomb shelter floor, surrounded by several empty bottles of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill Wine.

My insufficient partying skills once ruined a surprise birthday party I threw for myself. Looking back, I think I suspected something was up because of all of the party decorations displayed throughout my house, the birthday cake I purchased at Dairy Queen, and the glittery party hat I wore all day with “It’s My Birthday!” written on it.

Continue reading “Party Animal”